“She’s my favorite.” ~The Broad’s mom


I can’t believe this sentence is about to come out of my fingers:

I signed up for a running thing.

It’s a training challenge for our local Turkey Trot. I’m in line for the 5K.

I’ve never done 5K of anything.

My physical therapy group, who are all amazing and inspiring and all that jazz, are sponsoring/coaching the challenge, and last weekend I found myself sitting on my couch looking at unflattering pictures (read/red: accurate pictures of myself) whilst eating left over Chinese food perched atop my belly mound.

I sent a Facebook message to my PT life guru and said, “I need a life change…can I still sign up?”

And that was it.

On the podcast I cohost (oh hello, please listen to Not Another Anxiety Show on iTunes) we preach finding your values and feeding into those more than you feed your fears.

I want to feed into my sense of well-being, my want to reach a goal, and my value of keeping a promise to myself more than I want to feed into my myriad list of fears.

I want to feel the feeling of accomplishment and community so bad I can almost taste it.

I hope it tastes like cider donuts.

Imma feed that for a minute in place of feeding my pie hole in order to push down fear and shame.

And that’s why I’m here at my local college’s outdoor track, petrified and feeling the creeping fingers of shame crawling their way up my back

I haven’t run in approximately twenty years. I’m weirdly strong, should you need a car lifted off of a toddler, but have zero endurance. So, while I start the first day of the rest of my life, here’s what ran through my head:

  • How do I stretch?

  • I’ve never stretched in my life.

  • Hold the top of my foot behind me so my heel hits my butt, well, it’s to fat to hit my butt.

  • Is this the one where I hold my ear to not fall over?

  • Yeah. I guess so.

  • I think I just pulled something tying my shoe.

  • Ok. In high school I could do a nine-minute mile. So factor that by about a thousand cubed...add a minute for every grey eyebrow I found this week...

  • Call an ambulance.

  • Ok.

  • Walk the straights, run the curves. Just a warm up.

  • Stay in lane five. Lane one is too ambitious.

  • I hope DeFazio’s delivers to Samaritan Hospital

  • Did that guy lap me already?

  • Jesus, is that the men’s soccer team?

  • Oh my god. Is that the women’s soccer team behind them???

  • Do I look gay enough?

  • Do I look too gay?

  • Ok walk the straights.

  • The irony.

  • Suck in your gut, tighten your butt.

  • Shoulders back.

  • Do I walk like a lumberjack?

  • Walk the straights.

  • Ok at the arrow we’re going for it.

  • Readdddyyyyyyyyy??

  • NOW!!

  • Holy blessed underage single mother Virgin Mary in a fucking manger. What the hell is this?  

  • What is that pain?

  • “She had a broad face, and a little round belly that shook when she laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly.”

  • Pee

  • Pee

  • Pee

  • Fart

  • Why do I feel like I’m running the way snoopy dances?

  • Straight.

  • Yeah, I did just look behind me to see what happened.

  • Okkkkkk, so I’ll run just one curve, walk two straights and a curve.

  • Two straights and a curve is how I should describe being the third wheel with my married friends.

  • That’s funny.

  • Don’t laugh.

  • Did I just wheeze?

  • What does Tuberculosis feel like?

  • This one-upping son of a bitch lapping me again. Yeah. I see you, you sweaty shirtless tool.

  • I wonder what John Travolta is up to today.

  • This isn’t so bad.

  • Oh God yes it is

  • Just finish the lap and you’re done!!

  • I may actually be Wonder Woman.


What can you do today to feed a value?



Moss - read: things I think after three whiskey sours

Moss - read: things I think after three whiskey sours