Dating, the Vow Edition
Dating. A never ending list of reasons to hate yourself. If you think you just about have it together and you've really found peace in who you are, go ahead and join Tinder and start dating.
Its enough to make me want to listen to Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know" on repeat until I go deaf or want to join a monastery.
With that, I've decided take matters into my own hands. I'm dating myself for a while. <Which, as an aside, is what all single people say because they don't feel like making an effort, or explaining to family why they're "still" single.>
I thought it would be interesting to think about my requirements for a running mate, and it made me think of the promises we should make each other. So I decided to write the vows that I want professed to me verbatim by my husband on our wedding day:
May I call you Air? I should hope so, since we've dated a sufficient length of time to be getting married today. You look great. I mean, you always look great, which is why I'm marrying you. But today, you really went to town and even put mascara on. Is that new deodorant? It works.
Anyway, I wanted to promise you a few things here today, in front of the 6 people we've invited to our wedding in Turks and Caicos. I won't take long, because I know you don't like attention. And there's an all you can eat raw bar behind us that we should probably scoop up.
- I vow to love when you wear men's mesh shorts because you love them and they cover all the things you don't like.
- I vow to laugh when you wear t-shirts that say things like, "Ithaca is gorges" and "gym shirt" because you love irony. I also promise to love you when you think you understand what the word irony means.
- I vow to totally believe you that the 70's are back, and to not question it.
- I vow to always pretend to be surprised when you polish off an entire large popcorn by yourself at the movies...every time.
- I vow to not get frustrated when you pretend you're Dutch as a stall tactic when you leave your car too long waiting for someone at the airport, and the cops yell at you, and you don't want to drive around again.
- I vow to try to understand your fervent patriotism during the Olympics, and only during the Olympics.
- I vow to not judge you when you record and watch every episode of Dateline, Law and Order: SVU, I Survived, Making a Murderer, The First 48, and Forensic Files, then can't sleep because you just know someone is breaking in to murder us.
- I vow to try to understand why you buy a book in print after you've listened to it on Audible.
- I vow to never ask you how much you spent at Home Goods, or where you think that new large wicker basket will fit in our home.
- I vow to accept how you can "perform" eight whole bars of Oh Susanna with no instruments after we have Mexican food.
- I vow to never make you feel terrible about yourself by not calling/texting because I was "wasn't near my phone", then posting something on Instagram.
- I vow to be ok with the air conditioner on 62 degrees so your hair doesn't get huge, but then watch you walk around in a hoodie.
- I vow to sleep in separate beds once in a while because you love sleeping like a starfish and hate it when my feet touch yours.
- I vow to become an orphan so you don't have to split holidays with my family.
- I vow to remind you that weight has nothing to do with anything.
- I vow to move to a different state when you have your period.
- I vow to make time for you, because you're worth it.
- I vow to ask questions, and to get to know you, even if I have a lot going on.
- I vow to remind you that you're worth loving, not despite of things, but because of them. I will love all the weird and gross things because they're just as important as the other things, because you deserve nothing less than that.
- I vow to let you treat me to things because you like taking care of me as much as I like taking care of you.
- I vow to let you sit facing out at restaurants so you can see everyone who comes in, and to make sure you have eyes on all viable exits like you're Jason Bourne.
- And lastly, I vow to pretend to believe you when you say you're going to order a salad, even though we both know it's going to be large Florentine pizza from DeFazio's...or maybe a ruben and fries.
I'm glad to know you, and I'm wicked stoked that we're getting married. Let's go change into sweats before dinner and take a quick nap on separate beds.